


Dichotomy

by poploppege



Series: Retrospect After Everything [2]
Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Adolin and Shallan are both bisexual, Gen, Questioning Gender Identity, Shakadolin (mentioned), bigender Shallan, gnc Shallan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poploppege/pseuds/poploppege
Summary: Shallan created an illusion of herself as a man, and can't stop thinking about it the day afterwards. She talks with Pattern about this, and he has some interesting things to say.Or, Shallan and Pattern contemplate the nature of gender.
Relationships: Shallan Davar/Adolin Kholin
Series: Retrospect After Everything [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080803
Comments: 14
Kudos: 24





	Dichotomy

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the same universe that In Retrospect takes place in. You don’t need to have read it to understand this, but it does give context for their conversation. For those who have read it, this fic takes place the morning after the other Kaladin arrived in their timeline.

Vevesah, 1174

Shallan looked at herself in the body length mirror in her room.

She didn’t know what she was expecting to see. It was herself, without any illusions, in her nightgown. Her hair was still fairly messy, since she had woken only a short time ago. Adolin was still sleeping. Her familiar body shape was outlined in front of her. Familiar, as she had carried it with her for her entire life. Well, mostly her entire life. Those times when she became Veil or Radiant or someone else changed what she looked like. 

She sat down in front of the mirror, still searching for something, though she couldn’t figure out what. She felt, irrationally, that there was something there to discover if she simply sat and stared long enough, deep enough. It didn’t make sense, and yet she stared, transfixed. It was something beyond her reach, but something which she knew the general direction of _ where _ to reach. She could not capture it, but she could _ strain _ to capture it. It was both fulfilling and frustrating to strain like that.

This had all started the night before, when Adolin and Shallan had talked together for hours regarding the possibility of a 3 person relationship with Kaladin, who was still stuck in the timeline in which he and Adolin had gotten engaged. Many things were discussed that night, and many things more were contemplated quietly in their own minds, feelings and thoughts not formed enough to present a coherent opinion. Sure, you could try and present those half-baked feelings and thoughts on their own, but like a baby born too soon, it wasn’t necessarily  _ right  _ until it had proper time to develop. Some thoughts were formed lightning fast, and others had to stew for years before becoming an articulate, communicable, and understandable concept.

Many things had been left unsaid. But many things had been talked about, and they had already stayed up very late the night before talking excitedly and frankly, the conversation filled to bursting as it was, so Shallan didn’t mind. She had learned quite a bit last night, about Adolin, about herself, about their relationship.

~~~

Vevesev, 1174

_ “ _ I never knew you were attracted to men.” Shallan said.

Adolin glanced away shyly, a small blush on his face.

_ “ _ Yeah. I, storms, I would have wanted you to know earlier but… I didn’t really know how to bring it up. Not exactly something that comes up in conversation often. And every time I felt like telling you it always felt like it wasn’t the right time. I don’t mean that as a slight against you, you’re very easy to talk to, it’s just…”

“You were nervous. I understand. Believe me, I do.” Her stomach had twisted a little as she had thought of her own secrets that she was keeping from him, but she shoved it down. She could feel a jolt of displeasure from Radiant, and concern from Veil at the thought.  _ It’s not the time for that _ , she thought insistently to them. They reluctantly withdrew again, leaving Shallan as herself.

They had fallen into a short contemplative silence, where she had thought about that. She wondered what sort of men he was attracted to. If he had any embarrassing first crush experiences. She had smiled at the thought. She had wondered if he still would have been attracted to her, had she been born a man instead of a woman. It was a silly thought. Their marriage wouldn’t have been arranged, she wouldn’t even have been on the path to become Jasnah’s ward, had she been born the opposite sex. But it was an intriguing, and frankly entertaining line of thought, so she continued down it.

She thought about it in the opposite direction. Shallan too was attracted to both men and women, something she had known since her teen years after running into a particularly pretty girl in the market on one of her rare times allowed to roam free from all but a couple guards. She had had a crisis shortly thereafter, and had asked Balat, who had been in the kitchen that night, if he knew if such a thing as a woman seeing another woman that way was possible. He told her that it was, and that she should keep it hidden from Father. It had, after that, become one of her many secrets. She knew from then that she would never be able to have a relationship with a woman. She hadn’t felt it as a grave loss. She  _ liked _ men, and didn’t mind the idea of having one as a partner.

But things had changed. She had never been in an actual relationship with a woman before. But she liked the idea of it just as well as being in a relationship with a man. The other Kaladin had told her that she was in a relationship with Ishnah in his cosmere. She was at this point, her own woman, not controlled by any house. She was free to be in a relationship with whomever she chose, whether they were a man or a woman. She chose Adolin, and perhaps Kaladin, if he wanted to be in a relationship with them in return.

She imagined, the thought making her smile with mirth, what Adolin would look like as a woman. Was he pretty? She then realized that she didn’t have to imagine.

She reached for her sketchpad, taking a memory of Adolin sitting there staring across the room, brow creased in thought. He glanced over at her as she began drawing, leaning to get a peak. She pulled her sketchpad to her chest, shooting Adolin a playful look.

“You’ll get to see in a moment.”

He laughed. “If you say so.”

She continued sketching quickly, altering Adolin’s features to look more feminine. She rounded out his jawline, softened his cheekbones, enhanced his eyelashes. She smiled softly and blushed. Yes, that was attractive, at least from the sketch. She would have to see what it looked like on Adolin himself.

When she finished it, she almost made the illusion right then and there. She stopped, then had the idea of grabbing a small hand mirror on their bedside table. She held it up before herself, then took a memory. She sketched out that reflection that had been staring back at her, this time adding more masculine features. A strong jawline, more pronounced eyebrows, shorter hair. It was very interesting to look at.

She breathed in the Stormlight with a sharp breath, feeling it pulse in her veins for a few heartbeats before shaping it, weaving it around both herself and Adolin to match what was in those pictures.

Adolin still looked like himself, just feminine. He had longer hair, an illusory safehand cover, and a feminine figure and face. Those features morphed into surprise as he looked at Shallan.

“Shallan, your-” he cut off. His voice had become higher pitched, and he must have realized that Shallan wasn’t the only one who changed. He processed it for a moment.

Adolin arose off the bed and shuffled over to the mirror, illusory hair bouncing in waves around him. He inspected himself in the mirror, poking at his face, trying to move the hair. The hair did move as if it was respondent to Adolin’s movements, but it wouldn’t have any weight to it. He laughed with his usual laugh, but it sounded more melodic in this pitch.

Shallan walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and getting up on her toes to rest her chin on his shoulder. She wasn’t wearing a safehand sleeve, having been alone with her husband. The hair hadn’t quite worked out, apparently she couldn’t make things  _ invisible _ . It was still long, but it fell around her masculine face like it belonged there anyway. Their height difference made them look quite silly together, and Shallan smiled. on the ground, Pattern hummed.

“Enjoying the lie?” Shallan asked, voice deep in a delightful way. This was fun.

“Mmm. A lie. But also a truth. Mmm.”

She cocked her head at him, to the degree that she could with it resting on Adolin’s shoulder. What did that mean? What was the truth here? Perhaps the truth was that Adolin and Shallan were together, and the lie was who fit in each gender. Pattern did appreciate things like that, things that were almost as normal, with some interesting deviation.

Shallan turned her attention away from Pattern to look at Adolin. Their eyes met in the mirror.

“I suppose this is the time where I tell you that I am also attracted to both men and women.” Shallan said, voice buttery smooth in a way that only basses could achieve.

Adolin’s eyes widened slightly. “Really?” he asked.

Shallan hummed shortly in response, hands wandering across the firm muscles of her husband’s chest, which contrasted with the soft form she saw in the mirror. She studied his face, and decided that he  _ was _ beautiful like this.

“This was just an experiment. I wanted to see if you would be attractive as a woman.” she kissed his shoulder. “You are.”

Adolin smiled at her, then pulled out of her grasp and turned her around to get a good look at her. He hummed appreciatively.

"I assume the inverse of this is that you were also trying to see if I thought you would be attractive as a man?"

“You know me well, husband.”

He chuckled, and Shallan decided she really liked his womanly laugh. She loved his normal laugh, of course, but this was good in a different way. 

“Wouldn’t I be your wife?” he asked.

“Mmm, perhaps. Actually, no. If we go based off appearance alone, how would we tell if you were my husband or my wife? What happens if I make you look perfectly androgynous?”

Adolin pondered the question as if it were a real problem they actually had to find a solution to.

“Hmm. You’re right. Perhaps since I am always a man underneath, I would always be your husband. Even though I look like a woman. That would be the simplest answer, at least.”

“Thank The Almighty that we have found a solution to this  _ perilous _ and  _ urgent _ problem.” Shallan said sarcastically, still enjoying the deep sound of her own voice.

Adolin laughed again, then leaned in to kiss her on the mouth. Her eyes fluttered shut, and she brought one hand to rest on his shoulder. They enjoyed each other's lips for a moment before Adolin pulled back to look at her.

“You  _ are _ quite handsome like this.” he said, voice low.

“Hmm. Good to know.” she brought her freehand up to stroke Adolin’s face, then inhaled sharply, reclaiming the Stormlight from the illusions. His face reverted to its normal handsome self, and although Shallan couldn’t feel it, her face would have reverted as well. Adolin had sighed then, staring at her with a goofy grin on his face. Shallan stared back, a smile making its own way onto her face.

“How did I get so lucky?” Adolin asked, voice back to its normal beautiful pitch.

Shallan had only smiled wider and kissed him again.

~~~

Shallan kept on staring.

She had made herself into a man with illusions before, but last night had been different. Each of those other times, she was  _ being _ someone else. The gender had been one of the many lies she made in order to make the disguise work. Last night, she had been herself. And she had been a man. She had been both herself  _ and _ a man at the same time. The two were not at odds with each other. They could coexist. For some reason, that meant something to her, something she could not quite define. She felt it was important in a way, but could not figure out why, or what she was meant to do.

She liked being a woman. But she could not deny that she had enjoyed her short time as a man last night as well. Pattern… Pattern had said it was both a truth and a lie.

“Pattern?” she asked quietly to where he was slowly undulating on the floor, so as not to wake up Adolin. “What did you mean last night? When you said that my lightweaving of me and Adolin was a truth and a lie?”

“Mmm. Not Adolin. You.”

Shallan cocked her head. “What about me? What was the truth?”

“The face you wore. Mmm. You are many people, Shallan. Many within. The face was a truth, a truth that you had not shown or acknowledged before.”

She stared at Pattern, brow furrowed. “I’m a woman, Pattern. Not a man.”

“It is not dichotomous. Mmm. Humans can be many things at once. You are kind to some and cruel to others. You change your opinions based on who you are around. They are all true parts of you.”

“But…” she tried to understand. “No, how could someone be both a man and a woman at the same time?”

“Mmm. By existing. Same as anything else.”

“But one can only be born with one gender.”

“And what is gender?”

“It’s…” Shallan paused. She had never had to explain something like this. “It is which set of body parts you are born with. Women are born with their sex organs, they develop breasts, their hips are larger, their voice is higher… Men are born with the other kind of parts, and have features contrasting to women’s.”

“I was born with no such parts, and yet you refer to me as if I were male.”

“Yes, but…” she found herself at a loss. “Your… voice is deeper, I guess. That’s a male trait.”

Pattern paused for a moment. He started undulating faster, then slowed down again.

“Am I now female?” Pattern said in a higher pitched voice, one that sounded like it could have come from a woman. Shallan jumped.

“I didn’t know you could do that. And...” Shallan paused, thinking. “... No? Maybe. I don’t know. You probably don’t even have gender. We just treat you like you do.”

Pattern undulated quickly again, then returned to his normal pace.

“Shallan, perception  _ creates  _ spren. I am male because you believe me to be, nothing more. There are female Cryptics, from where I was born. Lots of spren have gender, but none of them have the parts you speak of.” he said in his normal voice.

“So, if gender isn’t based on parts, where does it come from?”

“Perception. Like I said. Mmm.” 

“But that’s for spren. People aren’t the same as spren.”

“Are they not? When you wear an illusion of a man, do people on the street not assume you are male? Do they not treat you as if you were male? Is it not the same thing as you treating me as if I were male? Many aspects of humans are based on nothing other than the perception of other humans. Mmm. This is not unique.”

Shallan sat on that, pondering. He was right. It was interesting, and it gave her a new view on things. What  _ would _ the difference between a man and a woman who had a never ending illusion of a man on be, beyond physical differences? She felt as if there should be one, but couldn’t figure out what it would be.

“So you say when I made an illusion of myself as a man, it was a part of me? Part of me is male?”

“Mmm. All of you is male. All of you is female.”

“That adds up to there being twice as much of me as there is.”

“It is not  _ dichotomous _ , Shallan. You can be male and female just as much as you can enjoy looking at the color red and enjoy looking at the color blue. Mmm. There are many parts of you that live in harmony.”

A pair of arms wrapped around Shallan from behind.

“What’re you two talking about?” Adolin asked in a sleepy voice. His bare chest pressed against her own back, and she could feel its warmth through the thin fabric of her nightgown. She hummed contently.

“Pattern says that it’s possible for humans to be male and female at the same time.” Shallan said, bringing her hands up to touch Adolin’s forearms.

“Sounds complicated.” Adolin said. “How’s that work?”

Shallan opened her mouth to explain it to him, but he cut her off.

“Actually, wait. Explain it to me when my mind isn’t still partially asleep. I’ll likely miss the majority of it like this.”

Shallan closed her eyes and leaned backwards into where he was sitting behind her.

In retrospect, that singular, idle, silly thought had been the thing to push what felt like a boulder tumbling down a hill.

Funny how things turned out like that.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I was having a funky day gender-wise and wanted to project a little. Lightweavers are an inherently queer order, and I will stand by that until the day I die. Also, I love Shallan. This was partially inspired/influenced by the last bit of ivorytower’s outstanding fic “[In a corridor, bleeding…](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120074/chapters/69175908#workskin)” because I really loved the idea of a cryptic trying to explain the concept of gender identity. I really recommend the fic, even for people who don’t particularly care about Elhokar, since it really shows his depths.


End file.
